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Not my most embarressing story, but...

By: Green Fuz on the 13th February 2009 at 3:01pm

In the Israeli resort town of Eilat, the sun beams down so strong in the summer months, that it will bring to boil your ice cold Mojito in two point five seconds. That is a scientific fact. Look it up on the internet or something. It's also so hot that it's very dangerous to confuse a fart with a dump.

This I found out much to my peril when walking casually down the main promenade with a friend. I felt a small methane explosion coming on and thought I could squeeze it out discretely, only the turtle popped his head out, only it wasn't just a turtle head it was more like warm coffee gushed out of a fireman's hose, or the proverbial eye of a needle. That's what Jesus said wasn't it? If a man is a sinner, he's not going to heaven he's going to shit through the eye of a needle. Look it up, it's in the Bible.

Anyway there I was in white cotton trouser in the middle of a busy resort promenade, poo running down the inside of my leg, a large unmistakeable yellow/brown stain on my ass.

"Stan! You've just shit your pants!" Laughed my compassionate friend, the master of the understatement.

Ten minutes later after he picked himself off the floor, stopped laughing and wiped the tears from his eyes, my friend advised me to jump off the promenade, go down to the beach and wipe myself off with some greenery that was growing there. This I did. It was only when I had my trousers round my ankles and was rubbing my butt vigorously with a modest sized leaf that I noticed the gang of school children that had been playing soccer on the beach, all standing still and staring at me opened mouthed.

I gave a little wave, pulled my trousers back on, then got the hell out of there fast, before I was arrested and deported for being a pervert. I've never spoken of it since, although my friend has, in fact he tells everybody every time he gets drunk. Sadly this is not my most embarrassing story. To tell my most embarrassing story I'd need a lot of cash in a brown paper envelope.


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  • City of London, United Kingdom

    Anthony on the 13th February 2009 at 5:33pm

    This is hilarious, next time say with a straight face, "someone must have put it in there!"

  • Medway, United Kingdom

    Green Fuz on the 14th February 2009 at 12:52pm

    The author would like to point out that he had drunk six bottles of Saigon beer before writing this story. This may go some way to explain the bad grammer, as well as the scientific and biblical inaccuracies.

  • City of London, United Kingdom

    Anthony on the 14th February 2009 at 2:18pm

    I bought a book on grammar when my wobbly grammar was pointed out. The introduction starts, "[It is] impossible at the present juncture to teach English grammar in the schools for the simple reason that no one knows exactly what it is. Government Report, 1921.", (Taggart and Wines, 2008). So you are cool.

  • Bexley, United Kingdom

    Riley on the 14th February 2009 at 7:43pm

    My grammar's terrible. Just ask my Grandfather. Welcome to the site. Let's hope we manage to shake your most embarrassing story from you if this is just a taster!

  • Westminster, United Kingdom

    Brinks on the 18th February 2009 at 9:25pm

    Don't worry about it ... after all, shit happens!